Spicy Cracker

Hello world, I'm here so I'll have to deal with you as much as you have to deal with me.

Other things

I'm a million things, but what I am not is amused.

Other things

My amazing husband is my life line and no one person will every come between us.

Other things

There are way to many other things in this template.

Other things

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Other things

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Happy Birthday to Me-

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Well today is my 31st birthday on the 31st of July. (At the time when I originally thought this posted)

I've been asked if it's been a hard day, but you know it's only hard because hubs wasn't here to celebrate today with me.

I figure with today being MINE and all... I'll tell you random facts about moi!

My favorite color is blue.

I love chinese food.

I have 3 birds.

I don't want children.

I color in coloring books to relieve stress.

I like being in the dark.

I used to try to find the good in most people, now I find most people are no good.

I converted to Buddhism 10 years ago.

I have a talking cockatiel and whisles dixie and says good morning to me everday.

I think cats are evil.

My husband is infact my best friend, I would and have done anything for the man.

I've noticed I've really stopped giving a damn about most things.

Thats all I've got right now....

Off to plan a party.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 7:05 PM 1 comments

Saturday, July 28, 2007

It's coming around the corner... I hear it stomping in a loud crazy fashion. I should be scared but through meditation and everything I've endured in my life to this point, I sit with open arms. It's.... going to be here Tuesday.. do you know what it is????

It's my 31st B-day!!!!!

I should be more excited but as it is I've gotta throw myself a late B-day bash I'm ok with this. Infact I am looking forward to it.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 3:11 PM 0 comments

ramblings

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

So I'm a little frazzled... it's a good thing I'm going to the gym 6 to 7 days a week it's the only thing keeping me out of 2 story buildings with a HPR or a SAW. My mom is still here 8 more days to go. My friends are telling me that I'm doing rather well for being around someone I can not getting along with. I have to say once again it's the fact I'm in the gym 2 1/2 hours a day burning off the extra energy, otherwise it would be so easy to just drink in my room everynight and cry myself to sleep.

Somedays I feel like a failure as a friend and as a wife to my husband. He is going through the worse time right now and I feel as if I am not doing enough to comfort him. I'm always wanting to fix something or take care of everything all the time, I just don't know what to do right now. He's in this job he hates, his father is slipping away, his best friend who stayed with me is an ass, what does it all mean? I just want our simple little life back. I like having a hot meal on the table when he comes home and his face just lite up, or watching him get his uniform ready for the next day... mmmm hmmm. I love that man. Still just does it for me as he did 6 years ago when we first met. How incredible he is as a person, a best friend, a lover and my soul mate. There is no one person that means that much or close to it.

Can you tell how much I love him? Maybe I'm over compensating in my head. Being here at my laptop dumping out my thoughts is almost soothing. It's just not enough-

I am so not good with having company right now. First a soldier, then my mother, next who knows. One of my friends wants to move here from across the country but I'm going to have to say no. As I am aware now I don't want people in and out of my house. I don't want to be acused of saying things I would never say or have never said. Which has already happend. I'm finding myself getting really pissed off right now. Damn this isn't good.

I wanted to write something funny or whitty now it just doesn't seem like this is going to happen unless I get another drunk night -

Well I'm off Im not thinking clearly-

Later days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 9:43 PM 1 comments

In my head-

Monday, July 23, 2007

We're going on day 12 of my mothers visit. Once again I want to be knee deep back into the rest of my bottle of J.W. I'm wanting to just stay under for a few months, be a turtle stick my head in my shell. I'm running through so many thoughts in my head I'm not sure where to begin?

First off I'm back in the gym. Three days strong, I took today off, tomorrow back in there once again. My body is just readjusting and I'm still coughing like I'm a 3 pack a day smoker.

When I dated my husband he used to tell me sweet, and wonderful things. Here it is almost 6 years later, I feel like I don't exist and I'm tired of just "knowing" he still feels those things about me. I'm working my ass off over here and feeling unappreciated. With everything that is going on with his father I do forgive him for not noticing me right now. However it's been this way for a few years. He is still my best friend and a wonderful brave man I just miss the guy I fell in love with. I guess what is making it hard is hearing complements from other men, noticing my hard work. Then going out with the girls and the husbands army buddy.. and him saying a few things..... just gave me a feeling I hadn't had in a while.

Am I am bitch for feeling this way? I know this has to happen to other women. Or just couples in general. How does one get the once was to the hear and now?

I'm sleepy... long day tomorrow...

Later days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 9:10 PM 0 comments

ramblings

Saturday, July 14, 2007

For the Love of all things good and holy I have a huge sinus infection. Which in turn has given me the most attractive of sticky pink-eye. I've picked up my mother from the Airport and so far so good. She feels bad I'm so sick, but in the same breath all I'm hearing is... "I hope I don't catch your cold... you know I can't be sick.... blah blah..." it's getting old.

I did warn her I was horribly sick. I've experienced way to many emotions lately. On the upside I'm still pretty positive, and isn't that what matters? It's the rainy season where I'm at, and humidity has graced me with sweaty afternoons, but that's OK. I'm hoping my cold subsides enough for me to get back into the gym by Monday. (Wishful thinking) I've decided that every time I lose ex-amount of weight I'll get myself something nice. Now that I'm on a path that I can finally take care of myself.

(So I took a walk away from the computer for a day and forgot I was blogging.....)

I figure Karma is bitch slapping me in the face for drinking, being that I'm still sick and I have no clue if I will be making that trip to the gym like I planned for tomorrow to get started again. Speaking of gym I've got to rant about something.

And Go: OK we'll for the past 10 years I've really struggled with my weight bouncing up and down. The past 3 months I've gotten in a good place that I'm doing everything naturally and taking charge of my life. The one thing I hate more than anything is hearing someone say, "Oh she/he would look so pretty if they lost weight." WTF is wrong with people? Do they not know that a statement like that could put someone back a few steps. I understand having extra poundage on your body is not healthy but damn people. Until you understand why a person it like they are, shut up already and don't judge. Which brings me to this, I have a skinny friend that has food issues and I think she forgets that I'm not skinny, or at least until she looks at me but she is forever making comments. I've lost over 25 lbs in the past 3 month she hasn't seen me and not once did she say... wow you look different, like I've gotten from others.... she just looks at me and then comes to squeeze me.... I was straight pissed. Then she says... "well OK I'm so proud of you, keep it up" it was more of a condescending tone... which made me more pissed... so I looked at her and said..."wow, you've gotten way to thin you should get some meat on you, but you have issues with food right?" Two can play this game. I would never judge a person based on how they look, my God who the hell am I?

I've had my not so grand moments in the past, I am growing past that. So for now on this early Sunday morning I'm going to meditate, and do some cleaning and shopping. So take it easy kiddos...

Later days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 3:56 PM 1 comments

sick sick sick.. how I hate to be sick

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

So I think I told you in my welcome back spicy post that I have achieved what my doctor likes to call a viral infection- I've had a fever, cough, headache, cough, sore throat, cough, aches and pains... did I mention cough, and now folks I've lost my voice-

The phone has not stopped ringing today. Miss popular when the voice goes and I have a million things to do to get the house ready for my mommy. I'm being punished, I know I am. In fact last night in one of my delusional moments I had a spider on me and I lost my ever loving mind and ripped my t-shirt off of me, I kid you not. I bet that was a site to see and now I've lost said spidy in the house and freaking out as I type.

I sound like squeeky mouse when I've been trying to leave messages on peoples voice mails. I hate that beat down feeling I have. Coughing and hacking.

On to other things kiddies I'm going to the AirPort tomorrow to pick up my mommy. Three freaking hours to get there. Ask me just how happy I am. (come on you know you want too) Now I'm desparately trying to get along with her for all that I'm worth. She's the only family I have left and well being my womb is closed, I am it. The blood line of my parents ends with me. I do have a half sister who is for a better lack of term a crack whore but that's a whole different blog.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 5:34 PM 0 comments

My memories are still coming back to me...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

So Friday Night memories are still coming back to me.... Good God I'm glad I don't make drinking a full time thing, it's the thinking and thought process that kills me afterwards. In the deep wee hours of my over due drunkiness at some point I boldly told my friend who was talking about "sucking a big".... well you know.... I stated " Will you stop being a whore? " Enough for everyone to think I was sober for a breif moment.

Then I was back in drunk land. That day I had thought drinking starting at 5 pm in the afternoon was a good idea being I had no intention of leaving the house and I was wanting to play pictionary all night. I had started drinking being my house guest had driven me too it and well maybe a little pms to boot. It's no excuse but if I didn't do these things you guys out there in blog land wouldn't want to keep up with me. I'm on a quest to get interesting!

At somepoint I grabbed a hot curling iron did my hair refreshed my make up put on 5 inch heels and was good to go... everyone was shocked that at no point did I burn myself or put on 2 different shoes. Off we went to the sea of desparation of lonely people. Nights like that I'm soooo happy I'm married... more happy than I already am and I didn't think that was possible. My husband is not a huge dancer, so I go on the floor and he watches to make sure I'm ok... he's not around at the moment so his stand-in goes in his place, he on the other hand is talking to a beautiful girl that has noooooo, none, nada, zip, zero, zilch interest in him. Yet he begs to differ... (sometimes we all live in a delusional world from time to time) I'm being swept away farther and farther away then I see him frantically looking for me as I am having a wonderful time. This my friends is where the fun begins.

I duck a little, I turn around just enough to hide in the crowed of people. I know, what I'm doing is wrong I'm proving a point- YOU NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR WINGMAN (or woman in this case) Damnit man didn't you watch TopGun? Now you're worried... now you're wondering where your "date" is? (only honorary because no one was interested so go back home with who you came with) I'm a hot chick that you can have as eye candy on your arm as you leave the club at last call. ( I like to think I'm hot, thats me be confidant and delusional at the same time).

It's all good in the hood, or in the west suburbs. I remember a slow song actually I remember 2. I remember just wanting to be with the man I love and thinking... "oh heck you'll do" I still laugh. I remember watching my whorey friend being picked up on the dance for and thinking good God woman I've had 3 times as much to drink as you and I'm not acting a fool like you.

I am a people watcher, I wonder how all of this will turn out in the morning, how many coyoty ugly situations does all of this come down too. I'm still laughing. Tonight I was reminded of a few other things, (**shaking head**) years will come to pass and things will pop up. Well you know, I'm ok with that. I fell off my personal wagon and needed to let loose. I'm not sorry I did it, my body paid for it. Those demons never do stay in my closet for long.

I'm loving this crazy life.

Later Days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 11:50 PM 1 comments

shhhhh quiet....

Here I am.... So I've gotten a few messages wondering where I'm at....

Yes, folks I've fallen off the face of the earth and it appears I let my life take over.

(and I've been blogging on myspace, shame on me)

I cannot believe I haven't been around sence April- wow. A lot has happend sence then, my hubs has been picked up by another division of the Military that I like to call, HELL filled with A$$Holes. I caught a heck of a cold in the past 24 hours, my father-in-law is dying and may have only 6 to 8 months to live, and of course my mother is come for a 3 week visit in 2 days. Did I mention one of my husbands ex-soldiers came to stay with me for a week and I wanted to.... (left up to imagination).... CAN YOU SAY STRESS!!!!!!

I need a way to get more readers so I'll stay more motivated to keep this thing up. Or I just need a corporate job once again being we are broke as a mo'fo at this point in time. Did I ever tell you how much I hate working for the man?

I had this in reflection of my 102.5 fever I was running all night and this morning that I posted elsewhere-

"Learning things about people is as amazing as waking up every morning. You ever wonder why we all have a private side to each and everyone of us? One minute we can become very close and the next we don't exsist to each other. It's nothing personal, most of us have been through this our whole lives, it's not to be understood or that we don't like each other it just happens.

Then you meet someone who you think could just be an amazing person, not because you think you have to have them in your life... the're just amazing.... for the things the've seen or their acts of bravery no matter the situation. From time to time it gets mistaken for something else, once you've voiced your opinion.

Ever had your integrity challenged? Or that of someone near you, or a person you just met? That is a scary thought and situation. Thinking you have faith and trust in an idividual and it gets blown out of the water due to past events. We've all made mistakes... I'm pretty sure I make at least one everyday, heck some even bigger than others, but you know they are my mistakes and I own them.

I get down about situations in my daily living, but I'm pretty up beat about most situations once I can see the sunshine. I look back 5 years ago, 10 years ago, I see some wonderful changes in me. My life took a very different turn than expected, but once I got over the whoa as me factor and got my dreams back into perspective I realized no matter what my situation is....They are MY dreams, they are MY goals, and with no explanation, I'm still full of hope and a little ray of sunshine.

Later Days-"

Now why you may ask did I have such a reflection? Either the fever or I just got deep for a minute.

I haven't been out dancing in over 2 years sence I've been out west here. Last Friday night I decided it was time for me and a bottle of Johnny Walker to become reaquainted, ( I do believe he missed me.) Once again it had been over a year sence I've picked up a drinky poo and over 2 years sence I've been completely falling down, walking into a parking meter, missing the curb, kind of smashed. I'm not proud of that moment of the one of this past Friday but you know if tell people up front you just want to have a little fun on the dance floor with no other intention usually they seem pretty cool with you. Those who are not.... well they can go screw themselves. Which brings me to this ... I went out with my new neighbor, and one of my other female friends from this area, and hubs friend that came to visit.

Apparently lapdances are my fortay..... (did that make you laugh as much as I just did?) Now I know my ass was drunk ... but dang I know I wasn't that drunk.

I am married, there is nothing I wouldn't tell my husband that I wouldn't tell any of you! (hi honey ***waving***) I had some repressed love expressed to me.... makes for an interesting evening, following with more shots of tequila topped with whip cream- (mental note: I still have skills in being able to pick up a shot glass using just my mouth with my hands behind my back.)
Just hold my hair.

So after dancing in 5 inch heels all night and shaking my butt I was ready to come home and pass out. Things are slowly coming back to me now-

Scary.....

So maybe after I remember more, I'll share-

I'm glad to be back, I've missed you all...

Spicy C

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 5:18 PM 1 comments

About Me

Name: Spicy Cracker
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