Spicy Cracker

Hello world, I'm here so I'll have to deal with you as much as you have to deal with me.

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I'm a million things, but what I am not is amused.

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My amazing husband is my life line and no one person will every come between us.

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There are way to many other things in this template.

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Howdy.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hey Kiddo's I did it again. Lets play catch up. I'm still trucking along in school. Thanksgiving was full of food and fun. I was put on a new medication and I'm sick as a dog. To top it off I have to up the dose once a week for 4 weeks. On Friday will be my last time upping the dose.

I went back to the plastic surgeon on Monday to have my ear reavaluated for surgery to finally get these painful keloids off. Now it's a waiting game for my insurance company.

I did do some fun stuff this weekend though, I went out to the canyon and took some family portraits of the family down the street. Wow. I almost forgot what a passion that is for me. The technicle side of photography I don't remember a lick... but I know what I see and I listen to the people.

So I was talking to E- one of my very good friends, and we were talking about business plans and the such. She's going to get some info from a girl at work for me who does it on the side as well. It got me thinking of a solider I had a photography class with so I decided to drop him an email. Oh lucky day and perfect timing! We talked about maybe doing something together photography wise as a business to get us both started. He asked me to assist on his 3 shoots this weekend!!!!! If I could do back flips I'd being doing them here!!!! He was so happy to hear from me, this my friend is kismet. It has to be ment to be! I'm off for now... I'll tell more in a little bit!

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 7:46 AM 2 comments

Never Forget

Saturday, November 11, 2006

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 2:07 PM 0 comments

So Friday was no picinic. I'm exausted, and drained. I got through the first part of the day but it took about 30 mins to explain to them, I'm not stubborn, "I HAVE A PHOBIA!" Damn listen to a lady she knows what she's talking about.

Now I have to go to desensitize training/therapy to try to get over my fear. Untill them I'm on pills. For once someone is taking me seriously.

So here it is, I've got things I've got to do in the next 6 weeks. I've got a lot to prove, I'm going to change my life so my post are going to probably take some twist and turns. Mostly this is my sounding board for my husband to understand my mind from time to time. Thank you for my friends and your support and the emails I get. I'll need all of you now more than ever.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 1:46 PM 0 comments

On my mind

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I haven't really slept and I've started fasting at 2:00pm and it's a little after 8:00pm here in AZ. I have to fast for a really long as time or my slow metabolism throws the test, lucky me. So it'll be about 10ish by the time I finish with the blood draw which is going to take everything out of me. I feel a panic attack coming now just thinking about it.

I'll be so sick by then I'm not going to be able to eat anyway. Then at 1:00pm I have an appointment to go over how to give injections to myself. How do they expect someone to do this who shakes just poking their finger with a lancet. I'm not a good candidate for this. I have a major headache and it's only going to get worse here. I've even looked into my faith for answers and It states that Buddha does not want me to experience pain but if a medicine can help it would be considered a God send. But if the medicine is the source of giving me grief then we're back to square one.

I feel so alone. I found a web site called www.needlephobia.info and I'm not crazy. I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm to tired and hungry right now and my husband has decided to bring up Dale and Thomas popcorn, after I said not to mention food. I know he didn't mean anything by it but I'm just a bit grumpy. I'm not good at peeing in a cup either but I think I'll be doing that tomorrow too.

My head hurts really bad so I'm going to bed. Pray for me, Meditate for me.... Save me. Save me from hurting and making a fool of myself, give me the strength to stay strong and not panic and cry. Forgive me if I can't do what's right for me.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 8:14 PM 0 comments

My past 2 weeks

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A lot has happened over the past 2 weeks. We had our 3rd anniversary (my last post). My husband reenlists and I got an award for being a supporting spouse. I've had a slew of test in college, I met a ton of new people at a bbq which I might add was thrown for the appreciation of family members who is in this club that my husband is in. I helped throw a baby shower became completely run down took another test on Monday morning. Finally went to see my new doc yesterday for the first time.... And now I'm in trouble...

I've been out of my mind for the past 19 hours or so. Due to a series of unfortunate events in my life my weight has fluctuated up and down. However I've down pretty good the past few weeks. I was told I was a type II diabetic early 2004 I was devastated. I almost had it beat I lost a lot of weight until I ran into a doc that pissed me off to the point I just gave up. I was stupid, I know this. It is so hard for me to have blood work done, I have the worse phobia of needles. So being a non insulin diabetic I was doing fine.

I tried to take care of myself but with out a real doctor for over a year it's hard to know what the hell I was doing. So it comes down to this. There is this new drug, for people who are like me a type but it's not in pill form yet. It is to be a wonder drug for people who are in my situation, and can make you lose weight to boot and reverse the diabetes and be off all your meds for everything. It would take about a year to 3 years. Pill form is coming but not for a while. So yep you guessed it, it's a twice a day injection. WTF... But it's not insulin. I am NOT happy, I have to psych myself up just to poke my finger. I have to meditate the day before I have blood work to stay calm and not eat for over 20 hours or I will be sick as a dog because I panic so much.

So now I am faced with this, refuse the medication due to my phobia and take my chances on another route, or try to do this knowing 2 a day I will have panic attacks which in turn will make me feel like I am dying anyway. I know it's easy to say suck it up when you don't have to do it, and I've heard all the scare tactics, I know them, I've seen them.

There is a good possibility my husband is leaving for 3 years come April so saying why can't he give them to you... Well that's great for now then he leaves for training in Jan for 7 weeks back for a month then leaves again for 3 years. I don't have any family here or friends that I trust that much. I did just meet some wonderful people, it's going to take me some time to really get to know them. How do you bring up ... Hey I know we just met but I need you to jab me in the gut 2 times a day to help me save my life.

I am so mad at myself, I'm so mad that I've broken my own heart. I love my husband so much but a phobia is a phobia, and to hear him say, "I want you to do this, I don't want you to die." Just killed me inside. He also said that, "More than anything I want you to be happy, and if being happy means you don't do the injections, I accept that." I love this man more than anything in the world. I would've taken his place while he was at war so he wouldn't have had to see what he saw. I would do anything I could to make his life easier and I try every day, but this.... this is how bad I am. Maybe out there it seems over dramafied (is that a word) and petty. I even say that to myself. Hell I even stepped over a rattle snake and it didn't phase me. I damn near sliced my thumb off with a PC slicer about 2 days ago and bleed everywhere and was ok. This needle thing is shaking me up.

So here it is... Dying doesn't scare me, I'm at peace with knowing that we all die and that there is a greater reward. Does that mean I've given up? I don't know myself, but I have a lot to think about. Maybe I needed to see this written out maybe I needed to open this up to the world and erase it. Maybe the answer will come to me before Friday.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 7:54 AM 1 comments

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Name: Spicy Cracker
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