Spicy Cracker

Hello world, I'm here so I'll have to deal with you as much as you have to deal with me.

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I'm a million things, but what I am not is amused.

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My amazing husband is my life line and no one person will every come between us.

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There are way to many other things in this template.

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My past 2 weeks

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A lot has happened over the past 2 weeks. We had our 3rd anniversary (my last post). My husband reenlists and I got an award for being a supporting spouse. I've had a slew of test in college, I met a ton of new people at a bbq which I might add was thrown for the appreciation of family members who is in this club that my husband is in. I helped throw a baby shower became completely run down took another test on Monday morning. Finally went to see my new doc yesterday for the first time.... And now I'm in trouble...

I've been out of my mind for the past 19 hours or so. Due to a series of unfortunate events in my life my weight has fluctuated up and down. However I've down pretty good the past few weeks. I was told I was a type II diabetic early 2004 I was devastated. I almost had it beat I lost a lot of weight until I ran into a doc that pissed me off to the point I just gave up. I was stupid, I know this. It is so hard for me to have blood work done, I have the worse phobia of needles. So being a non insulin diabetic I was doing fine.

I tried to take care of myself but with out a real doctor for over a year it's hard to know what the hell I was doing. So it comes down to this. There is this new drug, for people who are like me a type but it's not in pill form yet. It is to be a wonder drug for people who are in my situation, and can make you lose weight to boot and reverse the diabetes and be off all your meds for everything. It would take about a year to 3 years. Pill form is coming but not for a while. So yep you guessed it, it's a twice a day injection. WTF... But it's not insulin. I am NOT happy, I have to psych myself up just to poke my finger. I have to meditate the day before I have blood work to stay calm and not eat for over 20 hours or I will be sick as a dog because I panic so much.

So now I am faced with this, refuse the medication due to my phobia and take my chances on another route, or try to do this knowing 2 a day I will have panic attacks which in turn will make me feel like I am dying anyway. I know it's easy to say suck it up when you don't have to do it, and I've heard all the scare tactics, I know them, I've seen them.

There is a good possibility my husband is leaving for 3 years come April so saying why can't he give them to you... Well that's great for now then he leaves for training in Jan for 7 weeks back for a month then leaves again for 3 years. I don't have any family here or friends that I trust that much. I did just meet some wonderful people, it's going to take me some time to really get to know them. How do you bring up ... Hey I know we just met but I need you to jab me in the gut 2 times a day to help me save my life.

I am so mad at myself, I'm so mad that I've broken my own heart. I love my husband so much but a phobia is a phobia, and to hear him say, "I want you to do this, I don't want you to die." Just killed me inside. He also said that, "More than anything I want you to be happy, and if being happy means you don't do the injections, I accept that." I love this man more than anything in the world. I would've taken his place while he was at war so he wouldn't have had to see what he saw. I would do anything I could to make his life easier and I try every day, but this.... this is how bad I am. Maybe out there it seems over dramafied (is that a word) and petty. I even say that to myself. Hell I even stepped over a rattle snake and it didn't phase me. I damn near sliced my thumb off with a PC slicer about 2 days ago and bleed everywhere and was ok. This needle thing is shaking me up.

So here it is... Dying doesn't scare me, I'm at peace with knowing that we all die and that there is a greater reward. Does that mean I've given up? I don't know myself, but I have a lot to think about. Maybe I needed to see this written out maybe I needed to open this up to the world and erase it. Maybe the answer will come to me before Friday.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 7:54 AM

1 Comments:

At 3:49 PM, November 09, 2006, Bunny said…

Maybe he can give you the shots until you get used to having them and work your way up to doing it yourself. Maybe there is some way that you can just not think about it...distract your mind while doing it. I know I would have the same problem if I had to give myself a shot. When my dad gives himself shots he just pinches an inch on his tummy and injects it there. I think he does that so he can't feel it and it bleeds less. Would you be able to do that?
Stay strong...I'm praying for ya.