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Spicy Cracker

Hello world, I'm here so I'll have to deal with you as much as you have to deal with me.

Other things

I'm a million things, but what I am not is amused.

Other things

My amazing husband is my life line and no one person will every come between us.

Other things

There are way to many other things in this template.

Other things

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Under the weather-

Thursday, November 15, 2007

So as one can see I've been in a pretty foul mood lately. Maybe it's because everyone but me is going to be together for the Holidays. Even my husband is going to be with my family. Here I am stuck in BFE with people I'm starting to hate on an everyday basis.

Every Wednesday a few people I know are on a bowling league I go for moral support, and the french fries.. which lately have been sucking ass. The last few times I have been catching a ride to save on gas and blah blah... Last night I was so sick.... beyond anything I've been through lately. One minute I was fine the next minute I was doubled over in pain ... fork piercing pain in my lower stomach. I didn't eat there the week before and I was fine. It's a sign. I hate being alone when I have those pains. It scares the shit out of me, but here I am alone to face it again. Hell my husband used to just stare at me, sometimes it would be nice if I got a ... hey are you OK? Anything I can do?

I hate being so emotional all the time ... but I'm also tired of being scared too. I'm tired of cleaning up his messes. I'm tired of giving up... and that is what it feels like I have done given up on myself. Will it ever come around and break even? I surely hope so and soon.

Later Days

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 11:15 PM 0 comments

Missing my friends-

Monday, November 12, 2007

As everyday creeps by I'm trying to figure out why I've been so out of whack. I spoke to a few friends from back "home" and I miss them. Here I have to depend on strangers for help or the few "friends" (word loosely used) I've met. After hurting my back a while back I'm still only able to hold about 15 lbs at any given time. Well I over did it today. I am not good with clutter and I think that it's taking a toll on me emotionally as well as every other way.

To top it off I get annoyed so easily. Just watching the kids in the back yard jumping up and down on a trampoline is ticking me off. I want to enjoy my neighbors and not have issues with them, I don't want to be a procrastinator anymore... I know what I have to do in every aspect of my life.... I am just not motivated to do it.

How sad.

I could accomplish so many things. I could more than I ever could imagine, I could make my dreams come true....I just don't feel the urgency. I am pathetic.

Fast forward to many hours later......

I busted my tail trying to clean out the garage. It's going to take a few more days and some help which I'm finding that all of those people that told me they could help me are no where to be found. I'm going to stop helping people. I'm going to just stare at people the way they stare at me. Hubs is pretty upset, he tried so hard to make sure I knew there were people that would help me if I needed it... especially now and not a damn one is around. One guy wanted to help but he's having surgery on Wednesday... he said he'd do anything to help me tomorrow but I wont be ready by then. Wow.. and this wasn't even hubs friend... I mean they made nice and knew each other in passing but wow.

I thought all of this might be a test to show my Independence. I've been tested enough. I now have a headache.

Later Days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 1:39 PM 0 comments

Still burning off anger...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I have this neighbor...

Wait.. Let me first say, (and I know I've said this before) I am NOT a touchy feely person if you are not related to me and even then hubs is the only one I don't want to smack.

So the neighbor, she's driving me crazy. Last Thursday I spoke to her for a brief moment telling her I have her stuff that she let me borrow and I wanted to know when to return it. She was pissed because I didn't answer the door.... ( I think I may be repeating myself on here ) As you all know out there in blogger land I have a restraining order out on someone and if I don't know you're coming... I don't answer... and if you call my house first and I don't answer, don't just come over. When I called her later ... she was pissy and said some crap about it being just her blah blah... it's OK if I didn't answer... blah blah...

This brings us up to about 20 mins ago. She called to see "how I was doing" yes I will admit I had bit of shortness in my tone. I told her I was just tired from repacking my husbands stuff for storage and I was just coming inside but I had a moment to talk. She then started to tell me she was still at work on her way home and was just checking on me... (I get a lot of this for some reason... I am not feeble). I reminded her that I still had her things she said no problem ... we hung up. She called back not 5 mins later and wanted to know, If I was mad at her for some reason. Hmmmm. I'm in a foul mood so I flat out said yes and that she pissed me off last Thursday. "Did I even speak to you last Thursday?" Now I'm confused... I begin to remind her of the conversation and she kept cutting me off trying to explain herself and telling me it was OK if I was pissed off at her that's my prerogative ..... (gee thanks for giving me permission) Now I'm even more pissed... damn you know I'm going to have a stroke if I keep giving a flip about stuff.

To boot she must touch you every chance she gets. I can't remember where I read this but out there in blogger land I know I saw someone say something that I do.... when random people want to hug me .. I want to scream... sometimes it almost feels like it's going to hurt to be touched. I always go oww. Odd maybe or defence mechanism... hmm I like the latter.

As for working on down sizing my hubs crap in the Garage... well lets just say not only have I filled up our huge garbage can... I have filled up the neighbors (with permission) and I have more to dump and the other neighbors. Now I just have to figure out if they are even going to pick up the trash tomorrow... being a holiday and all. Whew.... I'm feeling better....

Later Days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 6:21 PM 0 comments

I've come to realize...

Saturday, November 10, 2007

1. I've come to realize that my butt: is looking good now I'm working out.

2. I've come to realize that, I talk: too much

3. I've come to realize that, I love: me

4. I've come to realize that, I have: too much on my plate

5. I've come to realize that, I lost :my mind.

Where's number 7?

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when: people are disrespectful

8. I've come to realize that, Marriage:is forever

9. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking:about me :)

10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be:me and say it how it is.

11. I've come to realize that, I have serious feelings for: life.

12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was: This morning.

13. I've come to realize that, my cell phone is: a pain in my ass.

14. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:I'm usually tired

15. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I: am usually fighting it.

16. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking abouT: Trying to take care of the house.

17. I've come to realize that, babies are: usually born into sucky relationships.... (around here anyway... sorry kiddos)

18. I've come to realize that, I get on Myspace:Daily

19. I've come to realize that, today I will:Run errands

20. I've come to realize that, tonight I will:Be packing and cleaning

21. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will: be cleaning some more.

22. I've come to realize that, I really want to:Take a vacation

23. I've come to realize that, the person who is most likely to repost this: I have no clue... no one reads me.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 5:43 PM 1 comments

Why am I so angry...

I find myself these days in crazy mood swings... first I thought PMS... then I thought... wow maybe I'm mental... but I know it's because I am just full of piss and vinegar.

I have bent over backwards to be the kind of friend I am looking for, to be the kind of love that I want, to be the kind of happiness I give to others. In reality I deserve all of these things for myself. I have to figure out how to just give these things to me. I've never wanted to admit those things because I never wanted to sound selfish but wanting happiness is not selfish at all... it's actually self-preservation. I want to be happy to give happiness.

OK so enough of the philosophical B.S. Things are happening around here and happening pretty fast. My hubs is off to take care of his parents so all my hard work paid off. I had a plan for someone to help me clean and move and take care of all the crap he dropped off on me and now that person .... my best friend here... is getting deployed! Yea so I flipped out hardcore, because once again guess who's helping with the kiddo's for at least 12 months.

(I wish I was an iguana.)

My mother is doing the whole guilt trip thing about me moving back to where she's at being hubs is there (because his parents live 5 mins from my mom). Not just no, but HELL NO. So I can be aggervated all the time? What kind of crap is that? I don't have that desire to be close to family. "Family" didn't do crap for me, I am so not impressed. I have a great marriage because I know when to walk away.

Speaking of which, I fell back into the whole I need to explain myself on why I didn't move with my husband, when in all honestly it is and never will be anyone's business. However in todays society if I choose not to give everyone every detail of my life I am automatically classified as a first class bitch. Well ladies... the "bitch" is here.

I talk to much.... I feel to much... so here it is... I'm tired of talking / explaining and I'm tired of feeling. All that wasted energy on people that was never worth any thoughts in my head.

I feel better....

I got so mad this morning that I trashed about 15 garbage bags full and I do mean FULL of stuff. I'm going to have to ask the neighbors if I can use thier cans if they haven't put to much trash in theres. Out of site out of mind I always say.... My garage is finally getting cleaned out. Hubs should've taken care of it... I took it upon myself to finish the job... it's going to take a few more weeks... but I'll get it done. It will stay that way if he knows whats good for him. It will be tagged labelled and organized. Then from there on... If something stays out of place for more than 4 days... I'm trashing it.

I'm done.

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 9:06 AM 0 comments

"Let me leap out of the frying pan into the fire; or, out of God's blessing into the warm sun."

Sunday, November 04, 2007

So I saw that head line while surfing the net.

It's been forever sence I've graced my present on to blogger but here I am.... uninteresting and frying chicken.

My ass should be at the gym but I litterally fell out of bed this morning and did something wicked to my knee. Let's catch up... shall we?

My hubs reassignment went through, he is now living with his PU's (parental units) down south and I am still here 17 miles away from Mexico. His father is slowly progressing getting sicker and sicker. I am happy to have been able to help him spend time with his father before it was too late. Hubs came here in early Oct and we went on a 3,000 mile road trip and visited some friends in the mile high city and I went to the top of this insane mountain and procedded not to lose my ever loving mind.

We came back here did some home improvements repacked him up and now poof he's gone .... just like that. Once again my house is a mess and I want to scream. However he is alive here in the states and I will be sure of that for at least another 2 1/2 years or so.

I bought this little deep fryer so I could do things like crab ragoon and egg rolls but today..... I had a hankering for asian style fried chicken....

Ok so I started on the crab raggoon and getting ready to make cream cheese sushi rolls....yum yum for my tum tum.

Did I mention I am not to have dairy products but we had a party last weekend and bought a 8 pound thing of cream cheese from S @ M S club and I have to use it before it goes bad..... I've taken pictures of the goodness I will post right after I finish dinner....

Later days-

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 3:08 PM 0 comments

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