Spicy Cracker

Hello world, I'm here so I'll have to deal with you as much as you have to deal with me.

Other things

I'm a million things, but what I am not is amused.

Other things

My amazing husband is my life line and no one person will every come between us.

Other things

There are way to many other things in this template.

Other things

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Duis ligula lorem, consequat eget, tristique nec, auctor quis, purus. Vivamus ut sem. Fusce aliquam nunc vitae purus.

Other things

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Duis ligula lorem, consequat eget, tristique nec, auctor quis, purus. Vivamus ut sem. Fusce aliquam nunc vitae purus.

Yesterday~

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I had a complete and total melt down yesterday. I think I just needed to get it all out. I have forgotten who I am. Wow and that was tough to realize. I'm holding on to things I really need to let go. I have such a strong personality and to top it off I've lost my sense of humor to make fun at ever situation I'm going through.

I've even looked back at my post on here and most of it is me trying / saying I'm going to change. How annoying. My life consisted of me just blending in. Now I'm beyond that. I don't know why or what's making me want to stand out but it's like a clock ticking away at me to hurry up and accomplish my goals. I had lost all motivation, there no sense of focus that I can keep for more than a minute or two. I've actually wondered if it was Adult onset ADD at one point and it's not. It's just me.

My mother and I never and I mean never have had a good relationship. I've been biting my tongue for a long time with her and just taking her bullshit and Hubs knows when I've talked to her because I get completely manic when he comes home he just looks at me and says... Oh hell you've talked to her haven't you. I was so proud of him last night, he was going to call her and talk to her and tell her what she's doing to me. That's the first time in 5 years he was willing to stick up for me with her. I understand him not wanting to get involved but he sees it's going to be the death of me.

Why do I deal with her you ask? Well I deal with her because she's the only family I have other than the prostitute crack head of a half sister, and well I want what is due to me. Maybe not in that order and here is where I feel Karma is kicking me in the ass.

I'm genuinely a good person. I give when I can and I'm told I a good friend to keep in your corner. It takes a while for me to call someone a friend, being stabbed in the back many times before. I'm quite generous when it is something I'm passionate about. My down fall which I personally think is a good trait is I say what's on my mind be it harsh or not. I guess I get that from my parents they were never ones to beat around the bush.

I used to think my father gave the greatest advice, but it hine site all he did was teach me to think for myself, and have faith in myself. Which in itself was great. I had to learn tact on my own. He didn't know the answers like I thought he did. The way I was raised was basically, "If the public school system didn't kill her nothing will." I wonder if he was hoping that I'd let everything in my life just roll off my back. I think it kills my mom to know that I'd give up my life for one more day with my dad. All those years I was around to help her and save her to keep her alive, the blood testing I had to go through just in case she needed bone marrow or anything else, why wasn't I able to be home to help him? This goes through my head at least 10 times a day. Some days it gets easier, some days I've accepted it. I worry though that because I'm still so hurt he hasn't been able to move on. I know in my heart he got what he wanted, and I'm so grateful for that gift for him. I'm just being selfish. So basically here I am bitching and complaining ... wa wa wa what about me. I'm putting it out there for everyone to see.

I never cared about what most people thought of me for the most part. My father and my husband where the only people I ever wanted to be proud of me, but I see I forgot that I needed to be proud of me too. I need an "awakening". I would love to become sort of an "awakened one". Just for myself to find some peace with this battle inside me. I need to start my day. Maybe today will be better than yesterday and yesterday will just be a memory.

Later Days~

posted by Spicy Cracker @ 7:44 AM

0 Comments: